Friday, November 14, 2008

:: Margarita Day - bente uno ::

Happy Birthday to me! Sobrang thank you sa mga nakaalala at bumati sa akin. Masarap pakinggan o basahin ang inyong mga greetings! Nakakapagpagaan ng loob. Thank you so much!

So ayun. 21 years old na ako. I dunno kung bakit habang nadadagdagan ang age ko, medyo parang ayaw ko pa. Kasi when I was younger, I envisioned that once na naging 20 ako and onwards, dapat marami na akong na-accomplish at ginagawa sa present time.

In terms of accomplishment, I'm talking about my dream. Pero sa totoo lang, looking at the bigger picture, yes sa tulong ni God, unti-unting natutupad yung dream ko. Thank you God!

At napansin ko rin na since nagturn ako ng 20, parang unti-unting nagiging ordinaryo ang pag-celebrate ng birthday ko. Honestly, since blog ko naman toh, at wala namang nagbabasa, araw ko ngayon eh. Meron pa ngang tao sa pamilya ko na nde pa nagsasabi ng 'Happy Birthday'. buong araw inaantay ko yun... nde parin cnasabi. Noon kasi, kapag birthday ko, tadtad ako ng paulit-ulit na pagbati sa akin ng 'Happy Birthday' ng aking pamilya. Nasanay ako at ngayon hinahanap-hanap ko yung paulit-ulit na pag-greet nila sa akin... hehehe... THey really make you feel special on YOUR day. Aba ewan. Masyado lang ata akong matampuhin nito. hehehe...

Cguro ganun lang talaga kapag tumatanda ka na, este nadadagdagan ang edad mo. Medyo parang nde na importante ang mag-celebrate. Hayz....

Maraming nagsasabi na ang early 20s daw ang pinakamasaya. Eh sana nga totoo yun. Nde ko naman kasi pa nararamdaman yun eh. Eh sa anong paraan ba exciting at masaya? Wish ko nga lang talaga na ganun nga ang sitwasyon.

Seriously, feeling ko parin talaga na sobrang bata ko pa, age-wise. Feeling ko like 17 pa lang parin ako. Wala naman kasing nagbago sa ugali ko. Syempre, marami akong natututunan sa buhay, pero attitude-wise, ganon parin. Pareho parin ang mga views ko sa mga bagay-bagay. I still say, "Baka nde ako pakinggan nyan kasi bata ako." Oo, minsan sa mga bagay-bagay na nangyayari, madalas ko parin yan nasasabi... Ewan ko, cguro dahil nde naman ako matangkad, baka pagkamalan lang akong bata. hahahaha!!! I guess, totoo nga na nare-retain parin natin ang mga bagay na ginagawa natin when we were less than 20 - child at heart.

Mama ko madalas cnasabi kung meron ba daw ako nabibingwit. I always say, "wala!" Minsan ang awkward pag-usapan eh. Cguro she asks me that kasi sila na ni papa nung 19 or 20 ata si mama. Ang galing nga eh, baliktad. Maraming magulang dyan na pinagbabawal pa ang mga anak nila to enter into a relationship. In our situation, it's the total opposite. Katuwa nga eh. Since 18 ako, ok lang sa parents ko. My dad tells me na makipag-kaibigan daw ako sa opposite gender. Mama ko ganon din cnasabi. Eh ako lang naman 'tong wala pang natitisod noh! hahaha!! Cguro meron nang nabulag, pero wala pang natisod! Malay ko lang talaga. Baka sa ugali ko yun or sa hitsura ko or sa boses kong malalim na nde mo maintindihan or kung sa ano man ang rason na yan! hahaha! Hay ewan.... Natutuwa naman ako, 'coz I feel that they trust me in this matter. Alam nila na I will be wise in making a decision. Thanks to that! ;)


So ano naman kaya ang balak ko ngayong 21 na ako? In terms of my dream, ndeng nde mawawala sa systema ko yun. I pray na marami pang opportunities na dumating para sumali ako at mahasa yung talents ko. I pray din na maging successful ako sa studies ko, at marami akong mapasayang tao by giving them my quality care and love. Ayokong sayangin yung bigay na talento sa akin ng Diyos. I dunno kung saan patungo itong dream ko kasi matagal na akong nangangarap, pero I offer everything to God. Whatever His plan is for me, His will be done. My dream will happen in His own time.

Ayun, so those are my current thoughts.... marami pa syempre... pero yan na lang muna... hehehe... ;) Thank you ulit sa lahat ng mga bumati. I appreciate your time thinking about me ;)

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the melody soothes my mind at 10:00 PM
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---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunday, May 04, 2008

:: ::

Medjugorje, Bosnia and Hercegovina, (former Yugoslavia)June 24, 1981 - continuing (From Immaculata - December 1983)

The Blessed Virgin Mary has reportedly been appearing to six young people in Bosnia and Hercegovina (former Yugoslavia), since 1981. Throughout the period since the Blessed Virgin first appeared to them, the visionaries claim to have received specific information and teaching from her. The Madonna has repeatedly told the children that the world is on the brink of a major catastrophe. She pleads with us to believe that the great catastrophe facing us can only be turned away through prayer, sacrifice, and penance. The Virgin has repeatedly stated that sin is what causes the lack of peace in the world; and that as long as man continues to ignore God, we will never have peace.

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the melody soothes my mind at 3:11 AM
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---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tuesday, February 05, 2008

:: rooted ::

It’s just amusing to think about how other people are fascinated by the new things or experiences they encounter.... eh cno bang nde ganun dba. Miski ako ganun din... naaliw. May kababawan. May advantage nga rin yung pagiging mababaw ko, coz napapansin ko lahat.... i’m able to appreciate most things... nde ko tine-take advantage. I don’t take most things for granted. Pero may disadvantage din ang ugaling kong napapansin lahat. Perceptive kung baga. Observant. Meticulous. But i'm aware not to show this attitude through my nonverbal actions.
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Pero yun nga, nakakatuwa lang makita ibang tao na natutuwa sa mga pinupuntahan nila, nae-encounter nila..... parang sanggol... taking baby steps and exploring almost everything. As an observant, i’m like a parent, who has experienced and seen what the baby hasn’t encountered... what other people haven’t seen or experienced. Misnan, there’s this certain feeling na i need to inform other people para they would not fall into the same road, same trap that other people that i have seen chose to take. pero sabi nga ni sis, “let them experience it.” Hehe... totoo nga, nde naman cla literally sanggol. Minsan, stating the pros and cons of things ay mali. If u want people to believe in one thing, persuade them to believe only one side of that something, and just let them think about either the pros or cons.
.
Naiiinis din ako minsan why i’m so grounded; i do it for my self... para nde ako maligaw tulad ng iba. I sometimes ask myself why can’t i let myself loose... kahit one day lang. Hugutin ko muna ang sarili ko sa kinalalagyan ko.... but no. Dahil alam ko na yung mangyayari. Sapat na yung nakita ko sa iba. The same path that most people took... that they forgot to look back... look back at who they once was. WAS. Was. Masyado nang bewildered and amused sa current path na halos nakakalimutang lumingon. Alam na alam ko ito. Kabisadong-kabisado ko.
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I guess it’s really hard to find someone like me, here. Challenge nga ito sa akin. But i feel good about it, kasi this is my uniqueness.
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u don't have to listen to and follow what society is dictating you. why would it rule you anyway? why choose to be like everyone else? so what if u don't blend in? obvious na yon eh. just stating the obvious. ;p
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Mawawala yung pagiging percetive, meticulous ko if i’m distracted by something. This seldom happens. Tama nga yung nabasa ko... “If you don’t believe in one thing, you will fall for anything.” I’m not so sure if those were the exact words.... but tama yung idea ng quote ko. Buti na lang nakikinig ako.. nakikinig sa mga taong dapat kong pakinggan. At sa pakikinig sa Diyos, ndeng-nde ka talaga maliligaw.

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the melody soothes my mind at 3:10 AM
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---------------------------------------------------------------------- Wednesday, November 14, 2007

:: My day ::

A prayer shared by Tita Cristy on my birthday (thank you po):

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Dear God, most of us always desire a perfect situation, a perfect life. Yet, you, my Lord, don't grant a perfect life. What You give instead is a perfect heart in the midst of an imperfect life. Teach me to be cheerful, hopeful, and smiling amidst imperfections and to enjoy Your wondrous blessings every moment in time.
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--- This is such a beautiful prayer, and makes me understand that even if my birthday may not be a perfect day, God pours His blessings upon me not only duing this special day, but everyday. Thank you Jesus and Mama Mary. ;)
----------------------------
masasabi kong mababa rin pala ang luha ko at ang aking kaligayahan.... dahil sa maliliit na bagay, natutuwa na ako, o napapaiyak ako agad.... hehehe...
.
Thank you sa lahat ng bumati sa akin. Happy Birthday to Moi!! haha! Thank you at naalala nyo ako ngayong kaarawan ko. Ngayon ko lang na-realize na it actually means a lot na masabihan ng "Happy Birthday", kilala man ako or hindi. Ang sarap ng feeling... You feel special... hehee... Thank you ulit.
.
I was able to attend mass kanina. i planned to miss the first half of my class (dahil wala naman kaming ginagawa don kundi puro discussion), and I returned during the break. I realized na mas importanteng makapag-simba ako ngayon kesa makinig sa spoon-feeding style ng pagtuturo ng aking guro. hehe.
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Ang ganda ng Gospel kanina. Talagang damang-dama ko na sinasabi sa akin yon ng Diyos. the gospel was that God gives abundant graces mysteriously and unexpectedly. He gives us many blessings everyday. basta yon. ang ganda.
hay... 20. ang simula.
.
I know that Jesus is in me - it is he who does everything in me: I do nothing.
I understand so well that only love could make me acceptable to God, and that love is the only thing I aspire to.
St. Therese

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the melody soothes my mind at 7:10 PM
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----------------------------------------------------------------------

:: the day i turn bente ::

Today. MY 20TH BIRTHDAY. "Woohoo! Celebrate good times c'mon..." Vingt na ako. Hayzskis! hehe. Grabe. Dumating din yung day na madalas na ayaw kong isipin at tinatanaw-tanaw (pilit na i-imagine what my life could be) ko when i was 12 years old pa.
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I think of 20 as mature, matino na talaga kumilos at mag-isip, wala ng bakas ng pagka-bata, and anything you could think of na nag-rerelate sa adulthood. Ang 20, para sa akin, is THE threshold sa adult life... nde 18, nde 19, but 20. literally, thre is no -teen anymore sa salitang 'twenty'... since when i was 12, i viewed 20 as the threshold to ACTUALLY being one of those "adult people"..... i dunno. all i can say is that "i'm new"... para akong sanggol sa stage na ito.... yah, that's what i can say for this age. and i feel like the descriptions i've made or constructed for 20 don't seem to fit with my personality right now - a little matured, childish mind, marami paring kalokohan, irrational, unpredictable, etc....
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i've been trying to find the reason why i don't want to be bente yet, even though it's impossible to control the hands of time.... this is one of the reasons why i don't want to turn VINGT yet:
-- i usually think of people who are bente, pataas as matanda na talaga. Like, I have certain expectations when I converse with these 'bente, pataas' people.... and I'm afraid that I might not meet those expectations that I've set for this 'bente, pataas' age....
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sensya na, i'm so magulo ryt now... just finished writing 10 pages of essay, and I seriously wanted to write an entry as I usually do when my birthday comes. sa weekend ko na lang gagawin ung 'matinong' entry.... that is, if that entry will turn out as 'matino' nga talaga... hehe. i just really felt the urge kasi ngayon to immediately type my thoughts, dahil ayoko pakawalan 'tong mga naiisip ko and the feelings associated with those thoughts. ;)
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to be continued.... (hehehe... inaantok na'ko eh. puyat na ako at may pasok pa ako ngayon - my birthday. I pray I pray maging masaya ang araw na ito ;) ;p )

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the melody soothes my mind at 4:32 AM
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---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunday, October 21, 2007

:: Ang isa sa mga payo na hinding-hindi ko nakakalimutan ::

San ko ihahanay ang sarili ko? Tama bang ihanay ko ang aking sarili sa aking pinili? hay nako, ginugulo ko lang talaga cguro ang utak ko sa mga nakita ko kani-kanina lang. kung anu-ano tinitignan ko kasi. at kung anu-ano rin ang mga naiisip ko sa mga nakikita ko. sa lahat na lang ng bagay, meron akong nasasabi. kelan ko kaya patitigilin ang utak kong mag-isip ng mga bagay na hindi naman "cguro" karapat-dapat isipin at bigyan ng kahulugan?!
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kung meron lang sana akong bagay na pwedeng gawin eh gagawin ko ng nde nagda-dalawang isip. kung pwede lang sana pabalikin lahat ng pilipino sa pilipinas, lalo na yung mga "iba na" na nawawala na talaga sa talagang purpose ng pagpunta nila at ng kanilang mga magulang sa bansang ito. ewan. ba't ba naman kasi kelangan ko pang isipin ang mga bagay na'toh noh?! hay nako utak!
.

"ate, sobrang kakaiba ka! sa lahat ng mga babaeng kilala ko, ikaw lang talaga
yung ibang-iba," sabi ng kapatid ko. - sa anong aspeto naman ng pagkaka-iba?
compliment ba yan o ano? malamang hinde.

.
isa sa mga importanteng payo sa akin ng aking mga kamag-anak is to "choose my friends wisely" daw. Ito ang isa sa mga payo na hinding-hindi ko nakakalimutan. Narinig ko itong payo na ito bago kami umalis patungong Canada seven years ago. Nung 12 years old pa ako, nde ko exactly maintindihang mabuti ang ibig sabihin nito. In-explain sa akin na dapat, nde ako sasama sa mga magbibigay sa akin ng bad influence sa lahat ng aspeto sa buhay. At sobrang naintindihan ko ito nung una akong pumasok sa high school dito sa Canada, at nakita ang aking mga puting kaklaseng naghahalikan sa hallway nung ako'y first year pa lang. sobrang na-shock ako sa mga nakita ko. overtime, naging "medyo" konting ok na rin sa akin yon, since wala naman talaga akong magagawa dun eh, pero naiinis parin talaga ako minsan. parang, kasama ba talaga yon sa canadian "culture"?!
.
nung high school ako, wala masyadong pinoy sa school na pinasukan ko, at nde dumagdag sa apat ang naging pinoy kong kaklase throughout high school. pero kapag pumupunta ako sa mall o sa kahit saan sa labas, kapag nakakakita ako ng mga pinoy na nag-hahalikan sa publiko, mga pinoy na babaeng naglalandian at naghaharutan, mga pinoy na babae't lalaking nagmumura ay dun talaga naglilisik sa galit ang mga mata ko.
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marami na rin akong kilala na nung unang salpak dito sa canada ay sobrang shock na shock sa mga nakikita. ni ayaw mag-make-up dahil nahihiya o natatakot na maging ka-label din nya ang mga nakikita nyang maarte't malalandi sa kapaligiran. pero ngayon, dahil since "nasanay na" edi nakigaya na rin. conformist kung baga. nde na lumalabas ng bahay na walang kulay ang pagmumukha. o nde na lumalabas ng bahay na walang eyeliner or mascara. nakakatawa lang isipin dahil talagang kinain nila ang mga dati nilang action at sinabi.
.

dito ko talaga naintindihan mabuti ang ibig sabihin ng "choose your friends
wisely". Honsetly, simple lang ako at nde ako maarte. minsan, stylish ang mga
sinusuot kong damit, pero seriously, never akong lumandi o umarte. nde ako
mahilig maglagay ng palamuti sa mukha kahit na tinuruan ako sa isang previous
professional school ng basic make-up application. nde ako mapag-mura, nde rin
ako materialistic, nde ako ulaol sa publiko, at nde ako careless sa kapaligiran.
kung ikukumpara mo ako sa ibang mga kabataan o ka-age ko dito, nde ako masyadong kapareho nilang lahat sa anyo at ugali. kung ano ako nung umalis sa pilipinas para mag-immigrate sa canada, ganon parin ako - simple. at proud ako dito.

.
Pinipili kong ihanay ang sarili ko sa mga kaibigan kong simple lamang. Dahil kung ihahanay ko ang sarili ko sa mga taong may maarteng anyo or makipag-barkadahan sa kanila, there will come a time na dapat ay itulad ko rin ang sarili ko sa kanilang anyo... just think about it... paano mo possibleng maipagpatuloy ang pakikipag-kaibigan or makipag-close sa mga taong nde naman talaga tanggap ang iyong histura, ugali, way of living, at pananaw sa buhay? at some point, maiimpluwensyahan ka rin nilang mabago ang iyong anyo at ugali - dahil kelangan mong mag-conform sa kanila para fully ka nilang matanggap at hindi ikahiya sa iba pa nilang kaibigan.
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oo na cge na, i admit na it absolutely ticks me off to see girls or guys na maarte o malalandi sa pang-anyo. ayaw na ayaw ko sa mga ganito! kung may ganitong klaseng tao ang lalapit sa akin para makipag-kaibigan, tatanggapin ko, dahil cguro, nde limitado ang kanyang pakikipagkaibigan... dahil cguro, natatanggap nya ang mga taong simple lang sa pang-anyo na tulad ko, at nde lang sya humahanay sa mga taong katulad ng kanyang maarteng anyo. pero, katulad nga ng cnabi ko kanina, at some point, mababago ka rin nila at mapipilitan ka ring magbago para lamang mag-conform or mag-fit in talaga sa kanila. kung magiging kaibigan ko man ang mga ganitong klaseng tao, there will be, for sure, a limitation. I also try na impluwensyahan cla - itama, in a nice way, ang kanilang mga maling pananaw sa mga bagay-bagay, i-lessen sana ang pag-mumura, at ipakita ang pagiging modest.
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wala na akong gana at wala na ring point pang tuklasin ang kanilang ugali dahil "it" already shows. sa panlabas na anyo na nila naipapakita ang kanilang panloob na personalidad. Paano pa ba ie-express ng isang tao ang kanyang sarili kundi sa panlabas na anyo? oo, may natitirang kabaitan pa cguro ang isang taong may malandi o maarteng anyo, pero ano? kabaitan in what way? in an earthly way? in a shallow and temporary way lamang? pang-impress lamang? Nde talaga malayong isipin na ang mga taong malandi o maarte sa panlabas na anyo ay nagmumura - at ito ay isa sa mga sobrang kinaaayawan ko (ilang beses ko na itong napatunayan).
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wla pa talaga akong nae-encounter na pinoy na nde umarte o nagbago as he/she immigrated here. i guess, almost everyone, except me and some other people who i don't know, has shifted his or her appearance, attitude, and way of living to a much worse and liberated direction. paano nangyayari ito? -- ang madalas kong naoobserbahan ay ang ganitong klaseng pinoy ay:

1.) nagbabago ng anyo (nagiging immodest, vain aka:
maraming palamuti sa mukha, nagiging pang 'red light district' ang suot, iba't
ibang kulay ang buhok, maarte sa katawan, maarte sa balat, mukha, lahat na
inartehan, etc...),

2.) nagbabago ng ugali (nagmumura, nagiging
outrageous, sobrang careless sa kapaligiran at sa ibang tao, bastos, mayabang,
mataray, mas lalong lumalala ang pagiging chismosa, at higit sa lahat, nagiging
ashamed sa pagka-pilipino [kulang na lang talaga ay magpaputi cla tulad ni
michael jackson at maging permanenteng blonde ang kanilang buhok], etc...), at

3.) nagbabago ang way of living (nagiging materialistic ng lalo,
nde na makuntento, taking advantage of little things, reklamo ng reklamo,
nagiging OA na sa freedom of speech and expression - inaabuso
nila etc...)

.
kahit saan dito sa bansang ito o sa kahit anong banyagang bansa, mapabata man o mapatanda, ganito at ganito ang na-eencounter ko. konting-konti lang talaga ang nae-encounter na mga taong tulad ko at ng aking pamilya na nde nagbabago.
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nakakalungkot lang kasing isipin na nire-represent natin ang pilipinas, at ayoko talagang mas maging negative pa ang tingin ng ibang lahi sa ating mga pilipino. Masyado ng maraming negative things ang nasasabi sa bansa natin, sana wag na nating dagdagan pa in a way na pintasan pa tayo mismo sa ating mga anyo at ugali. marami na kasing pinoy na tumitira sa ibang bansa na halos binubura ang pagka-pilipino sa anyo, ugali, at pamumuhay (previously defined as simple, mahinhin, mahiyaing nde outrageous, nde balasubas, at nde ulaol sa publilko, magalang, hospitable, and God-fearing - pero ngayon, yung karamihan, nde na cla ganito dahil porke nakatikim lang ng banygang buhay, nag-iba na ang pananaw sa halos lahat ng aspeto sa buhay).
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tama rin na paminsan-minsan, mapag-isipan ko itong mga bagay na ito na nde lahat ng tao ay napag-iisipan. tama rin na paminsan-minsan i touch on sensitive, and never-talked-about matters. Kung nde ko ito napag-iisipan, natulad na rin cguro ako sa mga pinoy dito na todo ang pagka-liberated, todo ang pagkabago ng ugali, anyo, at way of living na nde na rin nila kilala ang dating sarili at nde na rin alam kung paano lumingon sa pinanggalingan.

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the melody soothes my mind at 3:30 AM
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---------------------------------------------------------------------- Thursday, October 18, 2007

:: Tiwaling Pakikitungo ::

ilang buwan na ba akong nde nakakapagsulat ng seryosong entry? more than two months na. kaya pla parang ang sama ko nanaman at kaya pala kung kani-kanino ko na lang nai-bubuhos ang mga bagay na nde ko naman talaga kelangang pagtuunan ng pansin... at higit sa lahat, kaya pala nagiging overly sensitive nanaman ako... peeps, pag nagsusulat kasi me ng blog entry, eh it keeps my feet on the ground. i find solutions to my ka-oa attitude.

ano nanaman ba naiisip ko lately? isa sa mga weaknesses ko talaga eh I cannot keep my thoughts to myself. I say what is on my mind sa mga kaibigan ko. I'm not good at hiding my feelings for a long time. Gusto ko nasasabi ko agad. Gusto ko na-sha-share at nao-open up ko agad kahit gaano pa maging irrational at walang kwenta. Eh ang nagiging resulta naman ng masyado kong pag-open up sa mga piling tao eh somehow nag-le-leave na ng ibang impression (whether I know it or not). Ayoko sanang magbago ang pananaw nila sa akin, pero nde ko naman mapipigilan yon, dahil nde ko hawak ang utak nila.

Lahat na ng nasabi ko, nde ko na maibabalik pang muli. Cmula pa naman noon cnabi ko naman sa sarili ko na nde masyadong ilalabas ang mga tunay kong nararamdaman.. pero ano na ang nagiging resulta? nagiging emotional nanaman ang lola mo! nakaka-asar tong ugali ko. Kung walang nakikitang pagkakamali ang mga tao sa isang kilos o bagay o pangyayari, ako meron akong nakikitang kamalian... dahil bawat kilos ng isang tao ay pinapansin ko. hay nako! bagay nga talaga akong maging nurse!... pero sobra naman ako. sobra naman ako sa pag-interpret ng mga kilos ng isang tao. of course, nde naman ako totally pessimistic, dahil minsan, when i look at a certain circumstance, and i find it positive, tapos yung ibang tao naman, they find it negative. kaya, nde ko nman talaga fully na masasabing pessimistic ako. ---- Isa sa mga bagay talaga na kinaka-inisan ko sa sarili ko eh, masyado kong pinapansin lahat! at nde ko mapigilang bigyan ng kahulugan nag isang bagay.

(ito na lahat ng naiisip ko) to get to the point talaga, tama ba talagang cnabi ko sa isang tao yung napansin kong kamalian sa kanya? Bakit ko pinaki-alaman? Bakit kelangang kong paki-alaman? dahil naapektuhan ako? dahil nalulungkot at ako at humihingi ako ng tulong at nde ko nakuha? dahil iniisip ko rin kung anong klaseng kaibigan ba talaga sya? Dahil pakiramdam ko, parang nagiging careless yung tao na yon? Eh bakit kelangan ko namang pagtuunanan ng pansin ang mga kilos ng taong iyon? dahil parang pakiramdam ko rin na ginagamit lang ako? tatawagin lang ako kung hihingi sya ng tulong at alam nyang maibibigay ko? dahil sa tingin nya ay babae ako at pwede nya akong bola-bolahin?! at magkikipag-usap lang sa akin kung feel nya? mumurahin ako sa kanyang isip kung sya'y aking ginambala or inabala or hingan ng tulong? -- ano na lang yan?! anong klase tong kaibigan?!

Cnsabi ko kaagad sa tao, obvious man ang isang bagay o hind,i dahil AYOKONG NAGPA-PLASTIKAN! AYOKONG NAGPAPAKIRAMDAMAN na lamang!

Alam ko, yung approach ko kanina sa taong iyon ay nde maganda. Hindi ko cnabi ng maayos ang aking nais ipahayag, at nag-suplada pa ako. Mapag-mura pa naman yung taong iyon. - kaya malamang minura na ako nun sa kanyang munting isipan. Alam ko, nde tanga ang mga kaibigan kong nakikinig sa aking approach sa taong iyon. Ang sungit sungit ko! Hindi ko man lang cnabi ng maayos, at ito'y aking pinagsisisihan. Nde naman ako ganito usually, pero dahil nakasanayan kong maging ganun ang approach ko parati isa ooposite gender, ay iyon ang aking naipakita. Oo, ganon lang talaga ang madalas kong approach sa opposite gender at walang ibig sabihin iyon. Nde ko rin talaga alam kung bakit ako ganon magkipag-usap, pero ever since ay ganon na talaga ang aking pakikitungo, and most of the time, ppl look at it negatively - pero for me, that kind of approach ay walang ibig sabihin. Alam ko, nde ko dapat pinakita ang ganong side ng aking ugali lalo na't i was discussing and revealing my feelings. Naging insincere ako sa aking pakikitungo sa taong iyon.

Patawad na lamang.

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the melody soothes my mind at 12:43 AM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Wednesday, September 05, 2007

:: 7th year! some thoughts... ;) ::

friendster blog entry:

how ironic. in the back of my mind, i actually don't wanna post too much entries here in friendster. but hey, look! almost all my entries are here... i rarely visit my so-called 'official blog' - no one reads it kasi... and i'm not really keen on keeping my thoughts to myself. i want the whole world to know! ewan... i rili just don't want to be the only one experiencing a certain experience. i always want to share it. wala na rin me paki whoever reads my entries.
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September 5, 2007 - ANNIVERSARY! Our 7th year here in Canada. We didn't celebrate... just greeted one another, and dad bought us cellphones. ;) Thank you Jesus and Mama Mary for bringing us here ;)
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"my goodness!" - this is all i can say for my first day high.
i seriously have sooooo much to read. well, i don't wanna elaborate anymore. i dislike writing stuff 'bout ecole. ain't refreshing eh.
hmmm... nu pa ba?
.
Anu nga ba ang purpose kung bakit we migrated here? Of course, it was God's will na tumira kami d2. Wait, if you're thinking that i'm going to talk about education or image-attitude change AGAIN or kung ano man yon, you're thinking 'bout the wrong thing, man.
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Now it's about Spirituality. My goodness! If i could just live in a society with all religious people, where everyone prays, and where everyone talks endlessly about God. I'm not saying that I wanna be a nun... no, nde sa ganon. All i'm saying is that it really feels like nakakasawa or nakaka-out of place na talagang tumira sa society with non-believers, atheists, and ppl with different religions. I just really find it difficult to deal with them intellectually, kasi when I talk to some ppl about something in life - for example, how to deal with a certain problem or how to pursue a dream, whether they're Catholic or not, the strategies that they mention almost always contradict with mine. It's because whenever they tell me their reason or explanation, I closely listen whether or not kasama ang Diyos sa mga explanations nila. Kung wala, I always just want to counter-argue immediately; i end up not saying anything... for me, parang ang dami ko nang nasabi, but those thoughts only remained in my mind.
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Well, if i say anything back, nde nman sa pinipilit ko clang to follow my words, it's just that, I want them to be in the same page as me. Most of my elders tell me that faith is a gift from God. Patuloy na kumakatok ang Diyos sa puso ng mga tao para cla mismo ang bukas-loob na tanggapin ang regalong iyon. In the short time that I had studied at Don Bosco School, konti lang ang mga na-internalize ko sa C.L.E. And now, i always think that why didn't I made myself understand everything I learned sa subject na yon?! Was it becasue I was immature, didn't take things seriously? a happy-go-lucky person?
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hay. wala lang. nakakalungkot lang kasing makita na yung mga ibang Katoliko na kilala ko eh parang nagiging pagewang-gewang ang kanilang paniniwala. yung iba, lumilipat o sumasali sa ibang religion. ba't ganon? even in school, during group discussions, some of my group members always had something to say to a given situation. again, their responses seemed to lack a much richer answer. To put it into simple terms, their responses seemed earthly.
.

why am i here in Canada... in a multicultural country? yah, i know... for
educational purposes... etc... but these things are only earthly purposes. My
Ninong C. told me that I'm considered a missionary, kasi, one of the things I
remember, if you spread the word of God, you are a missionary. I felt good when
I heard that because I always wanted to be a missionary, and my definition of
that word has always been 'to help poor and sick people,' pero nde lang pala
limitado yun sa pagtulong sa ibang tao, kundi sa pag-share din ng Word of God.

.
I dunno. I couln't exactly explain what my heart is telling me. Kasi para bang, how can some people live their life without God? How do they deal with their problems? twice as hard without God? why do some people choose to walk alone? what do they think the purpose of life is? or do they think that life really has a purpose? how and why do they think this way? Why do some people or most people consider things 'lucky' instead of thinking that eveything is a 'blessing'? ... hmmm... mind boggler?
.

what took me so long to realize some, i mean, several things, or these things?
with constant prayer, accepting the gift of faith, knowing God better (through
prayer), and thinking that you are truly never alone may gradually wash away, i
mean, minimize your earthly thoughts.... and the minimalism of earthly thoughts
will reflect through our thoughts, words, and actions... ;)

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 5:04 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tuesday, August 28, 2007

:: vacation TALAGA ::

ano ba una kong sasabihin? hay!!! malapit nanaman po ang pasukan. the longest vacation I would ever have in my entire Nursing program is going to end within one more week. Wow. I mean, you know, looking back, having 4 months of vacation is really very exciting for me. As in like, Woohoo! Grabe! So many things happened... done so many things, realized so many things too!
.
Pero, bakit ganon... during those days, there were no worries... i mean, i didn't have to worry a single thing about school. well, pasulpot-sulpot yung mga maliiit na bagay-bagay about school, but the entire 4 months of vacation was obviously not about school. My goodness, I'm here again at this time and place where I imagined 4 months ago - before the grand vacation started. I imagined what I would feel, again. the not-so anticipated new school year... the predicted stressful days would be back within a few more weeks. ugh, i dunno. why can't i be excited? when can i ever feel to be excited ulit to go back to school? ... ewan ko rin talaga... well, of course, kahit nung i entered 2nd yr of h.s., i didn't get excited naman eh.
.

there's always this reminiscing period eh... lalo na kapag malapit na yung pasukan nanaman. alam nyo yun... yung parang, there's only a few more days left before school starts, tapos eh i always look back and try to feel the exact feeling when vacation started 4 months ago. yung parang ganon... pero, you won't feel the exact feeling, kasi the feeling that you're trying to experience again isn't pure anymore.... dahil may halong kaba, takot at pag-aalinlangan na... kasi malapit na ang pasukan at lahat na ng posibleng maranasan ng isang estudyante ay naiisip at unti-unti mo na ring nararamdaman na naman... err.. bakit ganon.
.
o cge, heto... mga memorable at sobrang saya na mga bagay... looking back:

nung nagsimula na ang 4 months kong vacation, hay grabe!! woohoo!! i mean, whoaa!!! lahat ng blood vessels ko ay sobrang na-relax. utak ko, sobrang na-relax. lahat na ng mga gusto ko at mga inaasam-asam ko habang pasukan pa, ay magagawa ko na. as in talaga!!! sana, sumulat ako ng entry nun, para hanggang ngayon, mararamdaman ko parin yung talagang feeling- relax, excited, carefree, sobrang kasarapan. nde ko na matandaan ang una kong ginawa nung vacation na, pero malinaw sa isip ko na talagang binawi ko lahat ng mga puyat ko. oh yeah! todong sweet dreams! hehehe... ayun... nagsimula ang pa-banjing-banjing ko. tapos, naging sobrang excited ako nun para sa Europe trip naming pamilya. Talagang ang gandang vacation gift na makapunta sa Europe nung May! Woohoo! Tapos, yung feeling talaga ay todong carefree, happy-go-lucky, no single worry. ang sarap ng buhay! hehehe! nagagawa ko ang lahat ng mga gustong-gusto kong gawin without any limit!!! whew! sarap nga naman tlaga ng buhay!
.
Ay, oo nga pala.. isa pa, grabe, as in! Pagdating ko sa bahay galing eskwela - last day ng klase, as in talagang sumigaw ako sa bahay ng todo lakas, yelling "BAKASYON NA"... corny na kung corny, pero nung sumigaw ako, talagang tanggal ang mga residue ng stress na naramdaman ko during school days, at talagang hanggang tenga ang ngiti ko. as in, like, grabe pare! tapos, talagang, sa loob ng apat na buwan, doon ko rin talaga na-realize kung gaano kasarap tumulong sa bahay... as in yung ako lahat ang gumagawa... maglinis, magluto, maglaba, etc... ang sarap! and for some reason, it kept me grounded talaga.
.
isa pa, sobrang dami kong na-realize sa sarili ko. mga personal na bagay. basta, ang sarap lang talaga ng feeling na ganon. yung mabuklat pa ang utak mo sa pag-iisip ng malalim at intelectual... isa pa, sobrang nagiging malapit pa ako sa Diyos at kay Mama Mary, dahil mas lalo ko pa syang nakikilala, lalo na nung bumisita kami sa Lourdes, France... Lalo na yung nagbakasyon kami ng sis ko sa Pilipinas nung July, we definitely had a memorable conversation with our family friend, Ninong Carlito and Tita Edna. Sobrang i really did not want that conversation about God to end kasi sobrang every word touched our hearts talaga... ang gaan ng pakiramdam.
.basta, sobrang carefree lang talaga. seeing our relatives and friends again an just by being back to my homeland.... ahhh!! no word can describe the feeling. hmm... bliss. at tsaka, the kisses, hugs, and i love youssss from my families, memorable. sarap ng feeling talaga. Nde ko rin makakalimutan nung kumanta kami ni Ate Rozanne at Milet sa OJs stage.... wow! I conquered one of my fears. sanay kasi ako na kakanta sa stage na grupo - jazz choir and concert choir h.s. days.... pero to sing duet sa isang bar ay... parang "in your dreams" kinda thing... pero nde pala malayo sa posible yon. Thanks to Ate Raizel and Kuya TJ, we went to Eastwood and found a karaoke bar na rinig sa labas ang boses mo.... i totally enjoyed it talaga. i love singing! it was always one of my dreams to sing on stage... at kahit simple lang sya, masaya ako na i experienced something like that. also, yung pagbisita namin muli sa Pangasinan for three days was just so... ahhhhh... very relaxing, comforting... so much more than an aroma therapy. It brought so many childhood memories... brought me back to my childhood comfort zone... isa pa, meeting tita malou and her family ulit was just sooo fun talaga! talagang memorable. ATC, Island Cove... sobrang carefree... at mrami din akong nakitang aritista ulit.... hahaha... la lang...
.
yes, it's true that these are all passing pleasures. pero parang everything that happened sa loob ng four months was all worth it. everyone, all experiences, intellectual conversation and realizations, basta everything, help me grow more. A lot more blissful things happened syempre... Thank you Jesus and Mama Mary for all the blessings... ;)

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 2:55 AM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday, August 27, 2007

:: conscience ::

bg song: nice and slow

.
M: I'm asking for an inspiration... what will inspire me to strive... better?

G: Don't use the word "better". Do the word "good" first. Inspiration? I'll give you one. Just wait.

M waited.

M: My goodness. What am I feeling? What is this? So strong!

G: What do you think?

M: I do not know. How can one do IT? Seems so unbeatable.

G: There is no such thing as "unbeatable" in this world. Everyone's the same. Everything's temporary.

M: Is this the inspiration? I seriously can't get my mind off of it. So so so strong! Every time I think of this, my tears want to fall. It is so unexplainable.

G: I give everyone the same gift. Some use it wisely, some don't. You have the gift. You already know what you did to the half of it.

M: This... IS the inspiration?! Wow! Thank you.

G: Use my gift wisely and ALWAYS concentrate on me.

M: This is such such such a different feeling. Like... a force. Uggghhh! I seriously cannot explain this feeling. What is this? When will this last? It feels like.. uhh. I don't know. There's pressure.

G: For a very long time. Just keep your eyes on me. Strive. I'll always be here. Act now. IT will be there... for a very long time....

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 2:51 AM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Saturday, August 25, 2007

:: Daily Reflections ::

Now that I am about to appear before God, I understand very clearly that one thing only is necessary: to work for Him alone, and not for oneself or for others.
St. Therese

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When thou hast Christ thou art rich, and He is sufficient for thee; He will provide for thee, and will be thy faithful Procurator in all things, so that thou needst not trust to men.
St. Therese

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For men quickly change and presently fail: but Christ remains for ever, and stands by us firmly to the end.
St. Therese

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"Enjoy in peace the joy God is giving you, without worrying about the future. He is reserving for you, I am sure, new graces and many consolations."
St. Therese, The Little Flower

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I must be content with the light of true faith, and walk therin till the day of eternal brightness breaks forth, and the shades of figures pass away.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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I will always bow down beneath the outpouring of divine grace, knowing that it is the gift of God.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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He that hath true and perfect charity seeks himself in no one thing; but desires only the glory of God in all things.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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Take O Lord, from our hearts all jealousy, indignation, wrath, and contention, and whatsoever may hurt charity and lessen brotherly love.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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O my God, my eternal Love, my whole Good, and never-ending Happiness, I desire to reserve nothing to myself, but freely and most willingly to sacrifice myself and all that is mine to Thee.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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"God would not give you the desire to be possessed by Him, by His Merciful Love if He were not reserving this favor for you."
St. Therese, The Little Flower

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Learn, for the Creator's sake, to overcome thyself in all things; and then thou shalt be able to attain to the knowledge of God.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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"How quickly life passes ... Soon we shall all be reunited in heaven. I love these words of the psalms very much: "A thousand years in the eyes of the Lord are like yesterday that has already passed.' "
St. Therese, The Little Flower

.
If thou hadst a good conscience, thou wouldst not much fear death.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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Oh, how good a thing and how peaceable it is to be silent of others, nor to believe all that is said, nor easily to report what one has heard!
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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"We must abandon the future into the hands of God."
St. Therese, The Little Flower

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God has given me the grace to understand the mysterious depths of charity.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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If heavenly grace and true charity come in, there shall be no envy or narrowness of heart, nor shall self-love keep its hold. For divine charity overcomes all, and dilates all the powers of the soul.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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I have often said to thee, and I repeat it again, forsake and resign thyself, and thou shalt enjoy a great inward peace.
St. Therese, the Little Flower

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Jesus, hidden in my poor little heart, has once again made me understand how hollow and empty are all passing things.
St. Therese

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 4:25 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Tuesday, August 21, 2007

:: pm me. ::

do you have any questions for me? wanna say something?
no? yes? hmmm... c'mon.
i'm sure you do.
don't fret. it's ok.
whether it was a long time ago or just recently.
whether it'll hurt or not.
tell me.
i'll take it. kaya ko toh. hahaha... no, i'm serious. open up.
pm me.

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 2:49 AM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunday, July 29, 2007

:: buti pa sya ::

ang tagal kong nakatunganga sa harap ng computer... thinking really hard kung paano ko ba'to ie-express.. i mean, i'm thinking of ways how to express this correctly.... anyway, freestyle na lang... wala na'kong paki.
.
"hayop ka! hayop ka!" ang sabi ng isang bata habang umiiyak. Dali dali akong lumabas ng bahay sa narinig kong hindi magandang salita at sa nakaka-asar na tinig. lumapit ako sa pinto ng bahay nung bata at agad kong binuksan pero naka-lock pala.
.
"ate paki-bukas po," ang sabi ko sa yaya. nilapitan ko yung umiiyak na bata at galit kong sinabi, "Anong sinabi mo?!.... Ano?! Bakit mo sinasabi yan, ha?!"
.
patuloy parin ang pag-iyak nung bata. hinawakan ko sya ng mahigpit sa kanang kamay ko, habang nakaturo naman sa kanya ang kaliwang kamay ko, at patuloy ko parin sinasabing, "tama na! masama yang sinasabi mo! mag-sori ka sa yaya mo! magsori ka! tama na yan! tama na!" - i FIRMLY said everything.
.
tapos, biglang dumating ang kanyang lola... ang ine-expect ko, pagagalitan nya ang bata habang sya'y umiiyak. ang ine-expect ko, pipitikin nya ang bunganga ng bata o pipingutin ang tenga o tatapikin ang bunganga o papaluin o gagawin din ang tulad ng ginawa ko sa bata.
.
bakit ko ito lahat in-expect?
dahil ito rin kasi ang nakagisnan ko. ito ang naranasan ko. sadyang malikot lang tlaga ako nun, pero nde cguro kasing kulit nung bata.
.
nung pumasok ang lola ng bata sa bahay, nakita ko sa kanyang mga mata at facial expression ang nakita ko nung ako'y bata pa - isa sa mga kinatakot ko nung ako'y bata pa. in-expect ko talaga na lahat ng na-mention ko ay possibleng mangyari.
.
nang lumapit yung lola sa bata, agad-agad nyang kinuha ito, umupo ang lola sa isang maliit na upuan, kinandong ang bata, at niyakap. pina-tahan ng lola ang bata.
.
nagulat ako. nagulat ako na may halong inggit. napatulala ako sa nakita ko. ang unang word na pumasok sa isip ko ay "huh?"
.
pagkatapos kong mapatulala, i looked away from that envious moment, and i looked at my sister who was sitting beside me, giving me the same expression that i was having. then we both shook our heads, and pretending that we didn't witness an envious moment that the lola and the kid was having.
.
habang nakayakap ang lola sa bata, dahan-dahang tumigil ang bata sa pag-iyak. nakaka-inggit na marinig ang mga mahihin-hing salitang sinabi ng lola sa bata. "tama na, tama na." - sabay halik sa pisngi.
.
inggit na inggit ako. inggit na inggit kami ng kapatid ko. wala kasi akong natatandaan na naranasan namin kung anong naranasan nung bata. kung meron man, nde ko na maalala dahil nde yun tumatak sa isipan namin. nakaka-inggit talaga. sana naranasan ko rin yun. bumalik kami ng kapatid ko sa bahay... napaluha ako nun. nakaka-inggit lang talaga. sana ako yung bata.
.
isa pa, madalas din masabihan yung bata na yon at yung mga iba pa nyang mga pinsan na lalaki na bata rin na "pa-kiss nga," "pa-hug nga," o "embrace mo naman ako..." nangga-galing itong mga salitang ito sa mga tita ng mga batang ito.
.
nakaka-inggit lang talaga. sana kaming tatlo yung mga bata na yon. buti pa sila.. nde nila or nde pa nila nakakagisnan kung mga nakagisnan namin.
.
pero thankful na rin ako talaga ngayon dahil nayayakap ko cla. natuwa din ako sa sarili ko dahil actually, first time kong nasabing "i love you" dun din sa lolo at lola nung bata. matagal ko na rin kasing gustong mag-i love you sa kanila. nde ko lang alam kung kelan ko masasabi. pero ang saya ko dahil nasabi ko sa kanila iyon na ako ang unang nagsabi.

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 5:35 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday, July 09, 2007

:: l'histoire mes vacances ::

yup, vacances... sa loob ba naman ng four months? dapat maraming magawa at mapuntahan.
ngayon palang ako makakaupo sa harap ng computer dahil there's so many places to visit within just a short time. hehe... pero sobrang saya naman.
june 10 - "papa, uuwi kami ni Milet ng 22 ha?"
"ate, di ko pa alam. mahirap na makasakay. punuan ngayon."
"papa naman, be optimistic. nde yan. kaya yan."
---------
june 20 - "o, papa, sa 22 na. lapit na ha.
"ate, di ko alam."
"papa mama naman. sigina. ano naman gagawin ko dito. ang boring boring."
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june 21 - "o papa, bukas na yung 22 ha."
"ate please."
--------------
june 22 - "papa, matagal na akong naka-impake. yung mga damit ko sa europe di ko pa tinatanggal."
"..."
---------
june 25 - "o, sa 29 na lang kami aalis ah."
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june 27 - "papa, malapit na yung 29."
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june 28 - papa said, "nakaimpake ka na?"
"ay grabe, matagal na."
"o cge, bukas."
"huh?! yey!"
-----------
june 29 (morning) - "papa, ngayon na ba talaga?"
"oo, dapat pagdating namin ni mama galing trabaho, naka-impake kayo ni milet ah."
"eh ang dami ko pang kalat. kelangan ko pang ayusin yung computer room at family area.... pwede bukas na lang?"
haha. ironic!
"nde, ngayon na," papa firmly answered.
--- morning 'til afternoon --- from 2pm to 5pm.
- nilinis ko ang buong bahay lalo na yung matagal ko ng gustong ayusin na computer room. ayoko kasi umalis ng bahay na may kalat sa kapaligiran. sabi ni papa na cla na lang daw ang maglilinis, pero ayoko dahil, nde nila makukuha yung gusto kong ayos ng kwarto at mga kalat.
...
dumating c papa and mama ng 5pm, pero di ko pa nafa-finalize yung pag-impake ng mga gamit ko. natapos kong linisin ang kwarto ng 5:15pm. lumabas pa ako ng house para kumuha ng prescription refill sa doctor. tapos pumunta pa me sa nearby mall para bumili ng small bottles para sa holy water na gusto kong ipamigay. tapos nakauwi na me ng house ng 6:30pm. bumili agad cla papa and mama ng mga pasalubong - habang ako'y nag-fa-finilize ng mga inimpake ko.
...
nakakapagtaka nga dahil bakit parang nde yata nagmamadali cla papa at mama? kasi usually, umalis na kami ng bahay ng mga 6pm pa lang. eh we left the house at 9:30pm.... yun pala, kasi maluwag yung plane! grabe! ang saya.
....
nakarating na kami d2 sa pinas, travel parin kami ng travel. puro overnights. whoohoo. what a way to spend les vacances 2007. hehe.
1st stop: san carlos, pangasinan
2nd stop: angono, rizal
3rd stop: las pinas cavite
tapos, lagi punta sa megamall. tapos, kumanta kami nila ate rozanne at milet sa harap ng stage sa eastwood, libis at OJ's. what an experience. una, nakakakaba. pero pag nandun ka na, wala na pala yon. hehe. konti lang naman ang audience. whew! yesterday - went to baclaran. visited the simbahan - nice feeling. bukas, hmmm... nu meron bukas? wed. - MoA. etc... enjoy lang lahat.
... rest day muna ngayon. sumasakit na likod ni milet. haha! pano kasi, shower ng shower sa gabi. sabi nang tiisin yung humidity at mag-sapin sa likod eh. matutulog naman eh. neweiz, sooooobrang saya. Thank you Jesus and Mama Mary.

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 12:25 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Friday, June 29, 2007

:: I'm going home to the place where I belong... ::

Yup, the title says it all... well, still hoping. my parents' plan just changes every now and then. unsure most of the time. like for example, they told me yesterday that 'that's it, tama na, 'wag na' - My goodness! You don't know how I felt when I heard these words. You have no idea how I felt. No single idea. Even if u try to empathize with me, you'll never gonna get the EXACT feeling.... anyway, enough of the drama.

.
then, last night... (insert mozart effect here)... YES.
yup, that's that. yah. Y-E-S. Oh yeah, baby!!!!
can't stay there for long though... but i'm still so happy. oh so happy.

.
the thing is that i'm still not prepared. i've planned for so long, but the quick and tentative decision slowed me down - the process of finishing the Europe album, packing up, cleaning the entire house, and writing down the things that I wanna buy and HAVE to buy.

.
u know that feeling yung parang you're so excited noon pa, tapos when that time comes na, your excitement seems to fade? tapos when the thing you've wanted for so long already happened eh parang you'll miss it ng sobra sobra and crave for another one again... and it becomes a cycle... uhh... kaya dapat: must enjoy every moment.

.
actually, i've packed like a month ago... 'coz i haven't taken out all the washed/clean clothes that I had used in Europe. ang bango bango kaya ng sabong panlaba nila Auntie Connie. Holland na Holland talaga. Ummmm.. BANGO!!! I just added some more to my luggage. I've also packed my sister's clothes. cno pa ba gagawa non noh?! edi moi. i'm just gonna bring whatever... stylish ones of course... not those revealing clothes.... of course not those ones... taga sa'n ba ako para magsuot ng ganon? taga- red light? hahaha!!! just wear those types in PROPER places such as clubs.

.
i'm her stylist and she's my stylist... most of the time, my sister's styles are so effective and head-turning talaga... unlike mine. nde bagay sa'kin, pero bagay sa kanya. hahaha!!!
Uhhh... yah... i haven't slept yet... seriously... i was up all night finishing the Europe album... wait... wrong word... not 'finishing', but 'doing'. I'm not done yet. I've done taping all the 650 pics, but i still gotta but 3 more clearbooks to insert them all in there. i don't like those big, thick cardboard scrapbook... they're just so bulky; they eat space, u know... neweiz...
i gotta sleep, but i can't... my body wants to sleep, my mind can't... i still gotta clean up the mess i made in the family and computer room - full of scrapbooking materials, cutout construction papers, etc... ugh! but i'm so happy naman dahil "i'm going home again to Pinas"
papa and mama said that when they come home from work today, we MUST be ready already! haha. wow! goodness. gotta sleep first, then clean, then pack-up, then do more things... yah. the flight's tonight. nagpa-book na si papa.

.
Woohoo... Yeehoo! If i could escape.. and recreate a plce that's my own world... and i could be your favorite girl...
... first class up in the sky... glamorous.
see you again pilipinas. i pray na makasakay kami ni milet.

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 2:15 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Thursday, June 21, 2007

:: a feverish excitement! ::

ok. so ganito. hay! sobrang saya ng vacation namin sa Europe. We totally, grabe, to the maximum level na ito... grabe! we sobrang enjoyed EVERYTHING noh! Sobrang laki talaga ng aming pasasalamat sa Diyos for this such wonderful blessing... what a blissful week talaga!! Never kong in-expect na mararting ko ang Europe at an early age and having a middle class status in society. I thought na sa panaginip ko lang possibleng marating ang Eiffel Tower in France... pero more than the eiffel tower pa ang narating ko at ng pamilya ko. Thank you God. Thank you Mama Mary.
...

Now, I'm sitting here again, in front of my computer and it seemed like everything just happened yesterday... of course, THE ECSTATIC VACANCES happened.. it was just unbelievable and can only be achieved by my unstoppable imagination! wait! What am i saying? "can ONLY be achived by my uncontrolled imagination?" IT HAPPENED! Visiting the Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes in Lourdes, France was the highlight of the whole trip! Soooooooobrang Fun fun fun!!!
...

i can still feel my soring butt by travelling from france to amsterdam... wakkeke!! wohoo! who can ever do that, man?! only some ppl can. Pare, seriously, I never thought that we would be able to visit, lourdes and paris, france, stopover at belgique and luxembourg, went to san sebastian - spain and koln and dusseldorf - germany... what else?! - whew! nagamit ko rin ang French ko sa France...astig!!! ang saya grabe!!! Sobrang saya ng Roadtrip!!!!
...

Pls. pls. if u think na nagmamayabang po ako, nagkakamali kayo. magkaiba ang "sharing your hapiness" sa "pagmamayabang"...
...

I'm so glad that our relatives in holland were just so hospitable, caring, extremely kind, totally patient, huggable, kissable, you name pare! hehe! i felt so comfortable w/ them ryt away... i love them... all of them... that's why it was quite difficult to leave them... even if we've only bonded together for a week... it felt like we knew each other forever.. oh yeah! basta pamilya! walang ilangan. close agad!
...

We'll just wait until we see them again. ;p
Just got a little carried away. I like this warm feeling. ;) basta nxt tym, i hope that we'll be able to spend more tym with my uncle, auntie, titos/kuyas, and tita/ate... ahehehe...
...

dutch is cool. i wanna learn it! hekhek!
all i know so far are three words...
duy = hi or goodbye
lekker = delicious
dank u well = thank you.
...

what a blast! what a feverish excitement!

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 7:09 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Friday, June 15, 2007

:: patience lang... ::

Bakit? Bakit ko pa nalaman kung saan nag-aaral ngayon ang ka-batch ko? Soooooooooooobrang Inspire na inspire ako.... pero ibang klaseng inspirasyon ito... yung tipong tinatamaan talaga ako! yung type na gusto kong pumunta sa lugar na iyon at doon na mag-aral... but i don't have THE grades! average lang ako. paano nya nagawa iyon?????!!!!! paano sya nakapasok sa isang world-class university?
.
Tumatagingting ang kanyang tagumpay.
Nagnining-ning ang kanyang pangalan...
Grabe, sobrang ano ba toh!!! ano ba 'tong nararamdaman ko? Ewan ko... hindi ko pa naiintindihan ngayon.... Cguro sinasabi sa akin ng Diyos na gawin ko syang isang inspirasyon. Nung pumasok kasi ako sa Douglas for my Nursing program, madalas.... as in MADALAS kong tinatanong sa sarili ko kung ito ba talaga ang gusto kong gawin? ano ba ang pipiliin ko? mag-trabaho sa ospital or sa entablado?
.
Ang success nga siguro ng kaklase ko ang magsisilbing motivator ko sa mga susunod pang taon ng aking course. Ang dami kong plano... minsan nalilito na ako... lumilingon-lingon pa ako, eh nasa harap ko na naman ang tamang daan na ini-handa ng Diyos para sa akin... and to help myself reach the top is to walk onto that prepared road and face the challenges. minsan natatakot at nag-wo-worry ako.. pero hinding-hindi naman ako pababayaan ni God. Nandyan din si Mama Mary and guradian angel ko, at ang mga santo para tulungan ako....
.
pero ano pa ba ang hinahanap ko? Ahhh!!! this is hurting my brain!!! Gusto ko nang umiyak! ahuhuh!!! Gusto ko mag-aral don... pero mahina pa ang abilidad ko... how will i better myself??? eh sa tamad kong toh! ahhh!!!! Get up, Margarita!!! WAKE UP! Get me out of this boredom and negative thoughts and lazy feeling, so that I shall pursue my dreams na....
.
Oo, dreams... at itong isa ay dumadagdag... pero.. paano na lang yung isa kong pang pangarap... yung sa entablado? pangarap ko parin yon. hinding-hindi ko maaalis sa puso ko yon. cno ba ang tutulong sa akin? ano ba ang magiging daan patungo doon? aral o entablado? aral o entablado? .... paano ko makakamit ang lahat ng ito???? help!
.
Madalas kong sinasabi sa sarili ko na nagmigrate kaming pamilya dito para sa aming tatlong magkakapatid. I know, i know... laging cnasabi sa akin ni papa and mama... ayokong sayangin ito! ito rin kaya ang reminder ng classmate ko sa sarili nya kaya sya nag-succeed? malamang. basta yon. nde kami pumunta ng canada para magbulakbol, lumandi or maging liberated, mag-iba ng pananaw sa buhay, at kung-anu-ano pang mga negative things na nakikita namin d2. --- Margarita, u must stick to the purpose. At tama na ang gastos. wla kang mararating dyan! lalo ka lang nag-sasayang! what do u receive in return? self-satisfaction? temporary lahat ng yan! gastos-ka ng gastos, tumatae ka ba ng ginto? sana tumulong ka na lang sa iba nyan.... opo, opo! yes, conscience!
.
Marami na akong sinayang na oras... sa katamaran kong ito!!! sobrang temporary ang nagiging resulta ng mga "I have to regain my energy... blah blah... kelangan kong matulog... blah blah!" Kelangan ko talagang i-mortify ang sarili ko.... SELF-MORTIFICATION!!! naluluha ako... dahil ang dami dami kong sinayang na oras... ayoko ng i-compare ang sarili ko sa iba. kahit na there are better ppl than me or worse ppl than me... ayoko na. i am an individual. nde cla kabit sa personality ko. i have my own ways. i'm not saying na dapat i have to concentrate on myself... vain naman non. that's not what i mean... BAsta talaga.... I'm really glad na marami akong na-realize after I found out my former classmate's successes sa kabilang dako ng mundo. Pero, madami parin nagsasabi na may oras pa ako para mag-improve....
.
Alam ko... marami pa akong oras ahead of me... dahil nagsisimula pa lang ako ngayon. mabuti pala ang merong 4 months na vacation from school... kasi sobrang haba ng oras.... maraming oras para mag-isip-isip... marami pang oras to better myself... I'm so glad na God has introduced me to my bathcmate's success... Thank you God. It's gradually waking me up... It's a total batok to my head.... and I'm not gonna let this fade away... ayoko ng tamarin... AYOKO NA!
.
I will let God arrange everything for me. ;) ... at kung ano man ang will nya for my life, I will accept it... matututunan kong mahalin at i-accept yon... patience lang... sa ngayon, i must be contented sa lahat lahat ng wonderful blessings na binibigay ni God our Father sa akin at sa pamilya ko. ;) happee!!!

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 2:05 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Thursday, June 07, 2007

:: in this material world... ::

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 2:08 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Monday, May 21, 2007

:: Baka matawa ka lang... ::

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 2:02 PM
**********

---------------------------------------------------------------------- Thursday, May 17, 2007

:: Dank u well ::

I'll just write this down here... ok. so ganito. hay! sobrang saya ng vacation namin sa Europe. We totally, grabe, to the maximum level na ito... grabe! we sobrang enjoyed EVERYTHING noh! Sobrang laki ng aming pasasalamat sa Diyos for this such wonderful blessing... what a blissful week!

Now, I'm sitting here again, in front of my computer and it seemed like everything just happened yesterday... of course, THE ECSTATIC VACANCES happened.. it was just unbelievable and can only be achived by my unstoppable imagination! wait! What am i saying? "can ONLY be achived by my uncontrolled imagination?" LES VACANCES HAPPENED! Sooooooooobrang Fun fun fun!!!

i can still feel my soring butt by travelling from france to amsterdam... wakkeke!! wohoo! who can ever do that, man?! only some ppl can. Pare, seriously, I never thought that we would be able to visit, lourdes and paris, france, stopover at belgique and luxembourg, visit san sebastian - spain, koln and dusseldorf - germany... what else?! - whew! grabe!

I'm so glad that our relatives in holland were just so hospitable, caring, extremely kind, totally patient, huggable, kissable, you name pare! hehe! i felt so comfortable w/ them ryt away... i love them... all of them... that's why it was quite difficult to leave them... even if we've only bonded together for a week... it felt like we knew each other forever kahit na first time ko lang sila na-meet... oh yeah! We are family! hiyeah!

We'll just wait until we see them again. ;p After two years! Next roadtrip: Poland, Denmark, Italy, Rome, Fatima - France and England!! haha... grabe naman yan. ahehe! nakaka-miss ang pagsakay sa KLM!

Just got a little carried away. I like this warm feeling. ;) basta nxt tym, i hope that we'll be able to spend more tym with our uncle eddie, auntie connie, tito/kuya mitch, tito/kuya elmer, and tita/ate vera-lynn... drink more Baileys with kuya/tito mitch... o divah! ahehehe...

kuya/tito mitch and ate vera-lynn are my mom's 22 and 25 yrs. old cousins... My sister, Milet, said to me, "Ate, paano kaya natin maipag-co-combine yung kuya/tito sa isang word? hmmm.... KUTO or TIYA?" ahaha!!!!

dutch is cool. i wanna learn it! hekhek!

so far three words lang ang alam ko:
Duy! - hello/goodbye
Lekker - delicious
Dank u well - thank you ;)

Europe trip - what a blast! what a feverish excitement!

**********
the melody soothes my mind at 8:45 AM
**********

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Margarita
18
single
proud filipino
bosconian
simple
talented
versatile
atpb...

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